Emilyisms

The Ballad of El Sad-o

I have been struggling with some severe depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem for several months now.

Last night my boyfriend broke up with me, in part because of these things. Maybe entirely because of them.

Sucks, man.

Emilyisms

Things I’ve Been Up To

1. Unemployment
As I said in my last entry, I quit my job. It was mentally and emotionally a very tough decision, but ultimately the right one. I was not succeeding the way I needed and wanted to, and besides feeling utterly depressed and discouraged, I was in a financial hole I could not pull myself out of and remain at my company. So I’ve been officially unemployed almost a month, but I haven’t earned a steady paycheck in almost a year. Which brings us to…

2. Managing crippling depression and anxiety, oh boy!
I haven’t been able to afford any of my medications in awhile, including my antidepressants, which is really a bad idea. I was diagnosed with depression in about 1994 when I was 10, and I am unfortunately not able to not take regular medication. (Here’s where I note that if you have any negative opinion on antidepressants, keep it to your fucking self unless you have a PhD in psychiatry. Even then, you should probably STFU.) My depression manifests itself in not just the usual sadness, but also extreme anger at myself, hopelessness, sleep problems, fatigue, weight gain, and just a general sense of FUCK EVERYTHING. And then there’s the anxiety, which keeps me indoors and away from people, terrified of rejection and abandonment, and gives me the occasional panic attack. Like last week when I saw my property management’s truck outside my apartment and immediately thought they were coming to evict me (there’s no reason to, but anxiety isn’t exactly a logical thing), and was immediately put into a state of panic where I had to get in bed and cry. You know what they were doing? Fixing a damn pothole in my driveway. I mean, holy shit, Emily.

3. Decorating
This is seriously one of the few things in life that gives me joy. My new apartment is coming together so well, and I love spending time at home. And it definitely feels like HOME. I have lots and lots of pictures to share ASAP!

5. Soul searching
Having left a job that I had initially intended to be my career, I’ve had to re-evaluate where I am and where I’m going. I attended the University of Memphis in my late teens and early twenties, but left in the middle of several semesters due to mental illness and also being completely unsure of my major. Though I ended up with a few credits, I eventually switched my focus from my education to working, and I had really put the thought of going back to school out of my mind for the most part. I’m starting to realize now that getting a degree may not only be in my best interest for future financial stability, but also for my own happiness. I’ll write further about this later, but I did end up applying for a local community college for the fall semester this year. I’m nervous, but I also think this may be my best shot at finding a career that I am excited about.

6. Smashing the patriarchy
(Work in progress.)

Oh Dear Blog

Oops, I did it again

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Sorry I haven’t posted! I have moved, resigned from my job, had a mental breakdown (several, in fact), and am trying to be jolly even though I kind of want to stay in bed for the season.

More updates soon. I promise!