The Ballad of El Sad-o

I have been struggling with some severe depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem for several months now.

Last night my boyfriend broke up with me, in part because of these things. Maybe entirely because of them.

Sucks, man.


Things I’ve Been Up To

1. Unemployment
As I said in my last entry, I quit my job. It was mentally and emotionally a very tough decision, but ultimately the right one. I was not succeeding the way I needed and wanted to, and besides feeling utterly depressed and discouraged, I was in a financial hole I could not pull myself out of and remain at my company. So I’ve been officially unemployed almost a month, but I haven’t earned a steady paycheck in almost a year. Which brings us to…

2. Managing crippling depression and anxiety, oh boy!
I haven’t been able to afford any of my medications in awhile, including my antidepressants, which is really a bad idea. I was diagnosed with depression in about 1994 when I was 10, and I am unfortunately not able to not take regular medication. (Here’s where I note that if you have any negative opinion on antidepressants, keep it to your fucking self unless you have a PhD in psychiatry. Even then, you should probably STFU.) My depression manifests itself in not just the usual sadness, but also extreme anger at myself, hopelessness, sleep problems, fatigue, weight gain, and just a general sense of FUCK EVERYTHING. And then there’s the anxiety, which keeps me indoors and away from people, terrified of rejection and abandonment, and gives me the occasional panic attack. Like last week when I saw my property management’s truck outside my apartment and immediately thought they were coming to evict me (there’s no reason to, but anxiety isn’t exactly a logical thing), and was immediately put into a state of panic where I had to get in bed and cry. You know what they were doing? Fixing a damn pothole in my driveway. I mean, holy shit, Emily.

3. Decorating
This is seriously one of the few things in life that gives me joy. My new apartment is coming together so well, and I love spending time at home. And it definitely feels like HOME. I have lots and lots of pictures to share ASAP!

5. Soul searching
Having left a job that I had initially intended to be my career, I’ve had to re-evaluate where I am and where I’m going. I attended the University of Memphis in my late teens and early twenties, but left in the middle of several semesters due to mental illness and also being completely unsure of my major. Though I ended up with a few credits, I eventually switched my focus from my education to working, and I had really put the thought of going back to school out of my mind for the most part. I’m starting to realize now that getting a degree may not only be in my best interest for future financial stability, but also for my own happiness. I’ll write further about this later, but I did end up applying for a local community college for the fall semester this year. I’m nervous, but I also think this may be my best shot at finding a career that I am excited about.

6. Smashing the patriarchy
(Work in progress.)


Welcome back, welcome back

img_1460Dear Readers (all two of you),

It’s been over three years since I blogged. So much has changed in that time. So let’s recap.

I lived with my grandmother prior to the autumn of 2013, when she moved into a retirement facility. I moved into the first apartment I viewed (which was basically all I could afford on my tiny income). I was excited and happy… until the crippling depression set in. I barely remember that winter other than I couldn’t get my radiator to work half of the time, so I usually woke up and could see my breath in my bedroom. I didn’t use my refrigerator for anything but condiments for the first six months because all I ate was ramen and udon noodles.

It was a miserable time, and I finally consulted with my psychiatrist, who added an additional medication to my daily cocktail. It finally lifted me from that very dark place. It also made me gain 60 pounds in about six months. Eventually I was able to get off that medication and lost 20 pounds, but I’m still working on the other 40 (and then some).

I was promoted at work in early 2015 and absolutely loved my new position — half the time. The rest of it, I wanted to cry in my cubicle. (I did sometimes. It was ugly.) I changed careers spring of this year to a job that is rewarding, but the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. But I don’t cry in my cubicle anymore, so that’s a plus. It also is a job where I can truly help others, and I hope I get to do this the rest of my working life.

After a break-up in February of 2015 of a very long term on-off relationship, I spent over a year learning to love myself, feel comfortable in my body, and value my independence. There were a few guys along the way, but I was perfectly content being alone. Of course, as these things happen, I ended up reconnecting with an old friend from high school (who moved to Denver a few years ago), and I decided he’s cool enough to get to be in my life. Unfortunately he’s 1000 miles away, but we’re working on it.

I am moving out of my tiny apartment this month. It’s very bittersweet. This was my first place, and where I learned to really love and appreciate myself. I’ve spent so many days looking out the windows, sleeping in on Saturday mornings with my cats, dancing around my ridiculously tiny kitchen while cooking. But I’ve also been heartbroken, depressed, anxious, and lost. It is time to move forward, and I’m restarting my blog to coincide with that journey.

To new adventures!

(You can also follow me on facebook, instagram, pinterest, and on snapchat under the username quiteemily.)